A BUNCH OF UNRESOLVED SHIT…
So… there are 3 things that are wrong with me when I have insomnia ;
1. I slept in the afternoon
2. I have work
3. I am confused and trying to figure things out.. these usually range from an event, to my life/career to a realization
I had a fight with someone I took and treated like my friend or I tried.. I was so angry during that fight and it showed in the words i said.. so much so that till today I am still angry and weirdly enough .. confused at why I felt so much anger.. scared too of the feelings I have. Numbness.. I don’t feel a single fucking thing except anger.. no form of empathy., nothing like trying to understand why her actions could have stemmed from.. not a thing
3 years ago.. I wouldn’t recognize who the fuck has inhibited my body and I would take to the hills.
Then some one who I use to care about told me it was a cold world in response to me actually opening up about withdrawing from people/ friends and I really understand that response. Not the intentional meanness that came with it but the truth about the coldness of the world..
It was almost comical.. the world is indeed fucking cold. I have experienced it all through my life.. yeah yeah yeah.. I know you know all the gist but chill first.
I see it in the little things now,. The distant reply of a friend.. the realization that people don’t need me other than just wanting me around.. they want me for work or an idea.. a sprinkle of cordialities here and there and the usual.. are you ok? What’s going on? Shey you have applied? Have you eaten? Will you come for this hang out? I have not seen you oh.. let’s see now.. or yeah .. there’s this job.. let’s run it. Or I have one gist for you.
This is all cute.. don’t misunderstand me o., lol. It’s all good.. it’s just strange to me how life works now..which is why I have always wanted to gtfo of here..
I digress.. now this coldness.. I feel it in Hotchners stare (Thomas Gibson) … I see it in message reply’s or no replies.. I hear it in phone calls and arguments.. in rants and compliments as well as complaints. I feel it from weeks of silence from my bosses.. I feel it from my sudden inability to take charge or my obsession with being by myself and watching actual friends in real life trying to put their best performance together for a show I love so much.
The coldness I felt in that statement… The world is indeed cold.. your neighbor hates you but Shazam’s your music.. you want a better Nigeria but you are greedy and entitled., you want a better life but you are a user.. you only smile and laugh and hype when you need help but you can’t care less because you are going through your own shit and everyone needs to understand. lol.. we are all guilty of this shit ., so yeah.. the world is beautiful and you miss your best friend but it’s a cold world.. so be careful out there.
I used to want to die so bad but now it has evolved to anger. I feel like killing everyone.. because na mumu Dey love right?
I know I sound like I am rambling but get this…
3. There’s a story I am working on but it doesn’t have a name yet and there’s another one that has a name but doesn’t have a full fleashed story yet..
4. Therapy is really expensive .. Now I know this seems like an excuse but to me it’s just so frustrating to see how inaccessible it seem to have become.
5. I was supposed to post another story but I can’t sleep and I am confused about how my story will end.. so here you go..
6. I miss a lot of people at the same time but I am tired of the circle of silence we all dance around every now and then.. so i watch them from a distance instead of striking a conversation.
7. I think if you didn’t get to love someone the way you would have preferred, you don’t have to make them feel bad about it
8. It’s not ok to want to kill someone cause you don’t know who will miss them when they go at your hand.
9. God makes everything better at his time of course ..so you have to stay close.
10. There are many things I want to do but fear, resources and procrastination has me on choke- hold
11. Oh.. there are a group of people that truly believe they are self sufficient in this big world and sometimes I envy their thought process.
I realized that for the longest.. brokest time.. I really wanted to focus on making money and ignore everything else and I did .. I just don’t know where to go now cause I want more but it looks like a lot of work.. so i am pissed.
Lol.. what a joke right?
Also.. Also.. I have this amnesia I experiences when something bad happens to me. It seems like after a while.. I forget everything that was said in that moment or a show I saw in that moment and it’s as a result of a bunch of unresolved shit but I guess I’ll find out soon enough right?
Phewww.. lol.. pls go back to what you are doing oh.. as you were…
