Beauty Behind The Madness

SO…WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE?!

I am of the opinion that once you grow in a certain area in your life, you start to question the state of other areas. I feel good with so much faith, and then one person makes a comment, asks a question, say something behind my back (which is very painful btw because you can’t control narrative or the effects of malicious gossip), I start to doubt who I am or what I even want. I know what you might think… “Oh aren’t you a child of faith?” “Aren’t you Gods child anymore?” “He will sort you out.” … Yeah… sure babes, but right now, I am afraid and I probably needed to hear those words to come to terms with the facts.

As someone who try to unashamedly talk about depression and the struggles of the mind, some people wonder and some ask stuff like; “Oh don’t you just get tired of this whole thing or just get used to it?” … I wish I could… I wish it was that simple. I wish the people I wish to understand, actually do. I wish when I actually need people, they show up. I wish therapy wasn’t that expensive to be a continuous thing. I wish drugs doesn’t make it so hard. I wish falling in love makes it easier, there are new fears every day. I wish life wasn’t so complicated and weird and filled with people who want what is best for them, for you. People who won’t let you think, who make messy scenarios with your name to proof a stupid point. I hate it here…

CONVERSATIONS WITH NKEM

ME: This world is too weird for me

This world we hide but don’t want to hide. We are too scared, too protective, too insecure, untrustworthy, wrapped in a benefit seeking limbo… consumed by our own perception of what is right, wrong and normal. Forced to make decisions we don’t want to make. Riddled with why we are afflicted and not what it means. Wishing someone can hear us.. hoping., going to the wrong place … we end up muffed, silenced, back on the ground, exhausted and angry.

NKEM: It’ll take a bit for me to untangle what you’re thinking about. A bit of it are deep thoughts, a bit is pain and depression and a bit are philosophical. But I get that you’re in a very unclear mental state right now. Or maybe you can help me.Which or what’s most important to sort out right now? Talk to me Princess

ME: Some people say stuff like; Common… fight!!

You are stronger than this… bigger than this… braver than this!

Really?

Are you sure?

What if I am tired?

kungani nginjena?

ukhathele yini?

I don’t even know.

Difficult questions I want to ask myself sincerely…

Who are you?

What do you want?

Why can’t you pick one thing?

When I come to Texas., what will I be doing?

My life changed a lot when I met you. I am trying to reconcile what I wanted, who I am and where I want us to go. I am currently praying for Gods direction. Doing what I can step by step. Somehow, that’s not even enough… for me, for my family… for you. For my friends even, my enemies, those waiting to see what will happen, how I will turn out. All of it.

I am scared a lot… I worry a lot too. Today, I worry more.

I am in pain. Only this time, not physically. It’s more like I am afraid and thinking… ok so what next?? Then what??

NKEM: Nobody has the right to judge you about where you are or what you have achieved especially since last year was messed up from everyone and don’t tell me you haven’t learnt a lot! You have this year so keep going. You are one of the bravest people I know. Most people want to be safe where they are especially in our economy but you literally left your comfort zone to chase something you want. Not many people can do that. After everything you have been through… I strongly believe you will be something great. Trust me you don’t have to pick one thing to be… all you need is to prioritise them one after the other. You are allowed to be as many things as you like. Whether people think you are all over the place or not… that’s on them. You know what you are doing. As for what’s next??? Figure out “now” and then what you do now determines what happens next princess. Just keep having faith and trust in God… he won’t fail. As for those questions, I know you can answer them one after the other, little by little so you don’t get overwhelmed.

As for you… yes you crying over there like me. Look up and dry those tears baby… you don’t have to be one thing or something everyone wants or think you should be. You don’t have to dwell in other people’s fears projected on you. You don’t have to conform to anyone’s standard of how your life should be run. You are better at that job. You will prevail… you will survive… if anyone disturb you too much, tell them …Hamba la!!!