BEAUTY BEHIND THE MADNESS

Wetin Be Standard?! — Episode 1

Roses are red, violets are blue.. who tell you say na only olosho and yahoo boys Dey for my Zanga?

Mr Debo, a dark complexioned man in a saggy blue basketball jersey was seen with a “we top” unbleached virgin brown “Rollie” in one hand and his iphone on the other. First of all, we all know that wrisslers are never virgin or unbleached certainly not the ones from your neighborhood mallams. We also know that Debo of course will be conspicuous with his posture, letting us see his newly purchased 11 pro max.

“Na small thing remain make I buy 12 oh.. I just prefer this camera.. I don read the features online na.. I even watch Apple review YouTube videos … Abeg Jor… you know say money nobi problem.. “

We can see the J .. already grounded and prepped for rolling.. Debo starts yelling on the phone..

“Ogbeni, shey you dey mad abi? I don tell you before say my guys go come settle you later when the kudi don land na.. abi I don scam you before ni”?

“ Abeg abeg abeg.. no make me vex oh.. you know me, I go scatter everything…”

The receiver seem to have apologized or maybe he decided to drop the call because soon, the room became calm.

He hisses…

He grabs the weed from the small brown stool in front of him. The brown color matches perfectly with the cream colored room with brown and silver curtains and a cheap looking painting.

Stupid guy..

He continues rolling his J. He takes a sip from his Guinness stout few meters from where the baking was taking place on the stool. He rolls the J completely and takes 2 instant puff before inhaling and blowing into the air towards the bed right beside the single sitter Debo was on.

The room was a medium sized one of a 2 bedroom fully furnished apartment in ilasan new road in Lekki also known as ikate phase 3. There was a mini fridge and a desk mirror with skin care and beard lotions.. Baba has been trying for years but just like everything else, has nothing to show for it.

He glances at the mildly untidy bed, as he takes a fourth puff.

“Katarina baby… this smallie don Dey do Island babe for snap chat o”

He is looking at a video of a nice looking slender young lady with thick behinds dancing to big mood by wizkid and Buju in what looked like a serviced apartment.

“This one don Dey with offshore package.. Mtchewwww “

He picks his phone and starts scrolling through his contacts.. he calls Demilade..

“Make I call this Omo buruku Lade sef.. e fit standard for me. I don even taya for all these illasan package sef.”

Phone rings

“Hello… Oga Debo” a low feminine voice is on the receiving end of the call

“Standard go Dey for me this night?”

“I go gats call you back.. I still Dey location.. na still cock crow we Dey so just chill I Dey come”

It sounds like She is about to cut the call and she quickly remembers, so she hesitates and said;

“ Abeg Okurin, nobi the one you do last time when your card decline for my babe POS o, dem no Dey tell elder parable”…

Line cuts.

Demilade aka small but mighty just ended a call. She’s in what you and I will describe as a 2 star hotel. She adjusts her hair by the vanity mirror on the table, seated on an ottoman. A packet of postinor 2 is seen on the table and an Eva bottle water is right beside it..

She rolls her eyes as she looks at herself in the mirror. Last night was great which is exactly why she loose guard and allowed Officer Vincent to vandalize the vicinity without rubber.

He had drank a bottle too many last night from the secret Hennessy stash in the office back room collected by his colleagues from night road block runs. He had stolen 3 bottles all half in content & pretended that he had bought it and had been drinking just to impress Lade.

She swallows the pills and takes a gulp of water immediately. She shakes her head and uses her hand to fix her hair again. She’s wearing a red crop top with a black lace pant. The room was medium sized.. and the air conditioner never changes from 20•c so running the show under the duvet would be extremely tedious and sweaty.

“Officer Vincent! You wan born inside there?”

Lade rolls her eyes as she walks towards her black colored purse. She brings out a Joint, already baked and tested. She takes a puff and relaxes on the pillow behind her..

“Who I go give Oga Debo now” …she takes another puff.

Vincent approaches from the WC. He was wearing a tight short boxers . He looks nicely built and has one of those special faces. Lade was immediately thrown the first night he convinced her to run a quick one in his car a year ago. He doesn’t know though.. how could she tell him she was completely in love with him now and always looks forward to his texts and Friday drunk runs.

“You this girl.. you Dey smoke igbo for my front.. you nor Dey fear the law abi? Abi make I carry you go station for possession?”

He walks over to her and takes the joint from her. She sits up… He takes 2 instant drags and nods

“Na better one be this.. which one be this one Ehenn”

Lade rolls her eyes and raises herself to kiss him. She does again and they continue. He drops the joint on the side stool in the room. He grabs her ass and pushes his body lower to the bed

“You don drink the p2? You know say na you be the first package I Dey run raw.. I no want make you loose guard I go come score goal o”

Lade laughs.. almost hysterical.

“E be like say all this romance kpensh don Dey confuse you. I nor Dey born any man pikin wey never reach Osun”

She slightly pushes him aside and picks up the J. Vincent phone rings..

Officer Vincent glances at his Samsung A80. It was work. He starts dressing up.

“I never see the transfer o.. Vincent you don do raw o, you suppose to balance me since na abi make I bring my pos?”

“Relax.. I go even add small thing join..Lade..you know say I Dey like am with you raw”..

He said pressing his phone. Vincent has been a customer for a year now so he already knows her details. He approaches her and grabs her by the waist and gives her a kiss. It’s passionate as he grabs her ass and then her hardened nipples

Phone chimes

Lade steps back and grabs her phone. She can see an alert of 100k. She’s all smiles.

“Oga Vincent .. Na why I Dey run your package steady.. you no Dey talk pour spit.. na talk and do I Dey like..”

She starts wearing her animal print skirt with a dangerous slit. She slips her feet in her black boots and heads to the mirror to dress her hair for the 10th time. They are about to leave.

Phone chimes

It’s Mummy Risi.. wo.. she will read it later. It must be details for her to pay for the fried indomie she bought last night. The thing no sweet sef Abeg.. Mtchewwww

Phone rings.

“Hello Katarina .. wetin?”

On the receiving end is a very tiny and soft voice of a tall , chocolate young lady. Her real name is Christina Amaka Ndubisi but she loves the name of a Russian red head agent in the series Agent X. So she adopted the name “Katarina” and insists everyone calls her that. She flips her sdd bone straight as she speaks;

“ I met someone yesterday wey you go like. She Dey the boat cruise wey I go yesterday. I just vibe with the babe. Her name na Funto. “

She pauses for confirmation. For the 2 years Lade has been in this business, Katarina has been a good colleague and sometimes friend.

“She be full option? I don taya for flat girls Abeg.. na only me sabi that department.. I Dey fine hefty package now. Debo just call me say e Dey find standard today sef and you know Baba T no dey believe my government again because Mide go location go move Rolex “

“Relax Lade.. I don carry bad market come give you before?.. this one na thickums o., just confirm with Baba T make him give am space and protective detail. You know say I nor Dey run island package again.. na offshore I Dey now because of my Lebanese boyfriend, I for fit go meet Debo for location..”

“You know say Baba T Dey like do test these days.. I nor know when e start that rubbish. Make I call am arrange everything. Tell your babe make e meet me for Idowu Emma street. I Dey go the nail saloon.”

Call ends.

Lade walks towards Vincent to give him a kiss. They head out

Funto glances at her phone anxiously. This new assignment is not going down well with her. She picks up her phone when she heard a Chime.. it is an iMessage from Emeka.

“ I don’t think I want to do this anymore. The babe you saw me with isn’t my friend. We are dating now and I am sorry if this has caused you any pain”

She hisses. See this fool, can’t just manage and be faithful. What an ode..

She sits up on the bed and starts scrolling through her phone. Her phone starts to ring.. she picks;

“Hello.. Ka ta ri na baby!” Funke sounds like a street urchin..

“When we Dey reason that level na?”

“Funto baby.. come Ilasan this evening around 4. I don follow my Onyinsi talk. Una go go straight go see Baba T. E be like say you go get location this night.”

Funto places her hand on her head to signify she’s not ready to start doings tonight. Doings go Dey so?

“We go run the show today?” Funto asks seeming uncomfortable”

Katarina laughs heartily

“This babe, you Dey make me Dey scatter belle Abeg.. you nor Dey find crisp? Doings go Dey na plenty tonight.. we wey be standard.. if you shine your eye well.. you go run better package. You nor know say for inside scope, scope sef Dey?… so no lele.. just come by 4. I got text you the address “.

Funto is amazed by how much of what she just said that she didn’t understand but she laughs as well and replies

“Katarina.. the only Russian standard in Nigeria. No wahala.. I go show by 4.”

She hangs up the phone and immediately dials another number.

“Hello Mrs Bonade, contact has been established with Katarina, one of the pawns of the subject.. I am to report to the Ilasan by 4pm later today.”

“Good work Funto. Remember.. the target is always armed and dangerous so don’t bother trying to make any video recordings and if it is too dangerous to do audio.. make sure you document everything “

“Ok ma”..

She hangs up

Funto stands up from her bed. She goes to her Instagram and deactivates her page.

“Bye Funto..” she muttered.

She stands by the mirror to examine herself.. she’s filled with fleeting thoughts of fear and bewilderment. How much would these money bags pay to eat from her honey pot?

She stares on in a state of imagination of all the things she would have to do to play this role perfectly..

She steps back and starts putting on clothes while throwing some in a bag near by. It was a tiny room and everything looked like it was in reach. Next thing, Funto starts to laugh hysterically..

“Wetin I Dey do sef? Wetin be standard?”