BEAUTY BEHIND THE MADNESS
LETTER TO GOD; RANTS OF A SINNER
Dear God,
How are you doing up there? I hope you aren’t too disappointed in me; the truth of what my life and reality look like. Well, I’d like to think you are very much aware of who I am before I was born because I mean you formed me but if you are looking now, then you must know am a hot mess.
you said, “Be still and know that I am God” … I am trying to be still lord.
You said I should trust you because you are always in control, I want to rely on your strength and not mine cause I am falling lord.
“You will walk through the fire and not get harmed, for I have called you by name and you are mine. Do not be afraid”. I am so afraid lord; I have anxieties that keep me up at night and I am so lonely I do not want to go home at the end of the day.
It everywhere lord, the downs and the lows. At work, in my head, and in my heart. I heard about being gracefully broken in a song by Tasha Cobb and I believe that the plans you have for me are of good and not evil, so I pour out my life to you cause Apas you probably know how it will end.
I feel like everything is being taken away from me. The gifts you gave me, I don’t use some and the ones I use I don’t think I do enough. You see lord, I know you have a purpose, and I have a plan, right now I don’t think they correlate. Could you please help me fix that? Also, I have abandonment issues, I don’t know why, for a while now, those I love seem not to feel an iota for me while the ones that actually do, are so far away, I can’t feel their love on some days and so I have no one. I have you though, I just don’t see that, I don’t feel it either. I want to lord.
I have always cherished being alone, and having my own space especially all I have been through, jumping from place to place experiencing all the bullshit I did. Now, I am so grateful for getting my own space but after a seemingly near death situation where I actually lost something I don’t think I wanted, I became afraid of being alone cause at the time I thought I would die and no one will find me. The funny thing is I have had this experience before and I was equally afraid then but someone was by my side, holding my hand and all that. Now, I didn't have that luxury this time and it was stranger. I had no knowledge of what it was until the experience was over.
When I did, of course, I cried, I was mad at me, with anyone involved and with the situation. Most especially, I was mad at me. I felt I let it happen to me, I felt it was my fault. I felt sorry for myself like I keep hurting myself by letting others hurt and disappoint me. I have you but some days I don’t realize it and I keep having unrealizable hopes and stupid expectations. I keep searching for love that could only be found in you and running after what I can’t have. I am sorry Lord, I should be running after you.
I also think I should apologize to those I expect shit from, no need putting all that pressure on someone else, expecting them to be something in your head and using that as criteria for loving them. Lord, I know that love is a gift of the spirit and I ask to receive your spirit lord. Your spirit, so I feel you next to me when I am walking through the valley. Let it fill me every day and your mercy shield me, so on rainy days I never forget what I mean to you and what you mean to me.
I believe in love but love is vulnerability, let me also believe in that. Help me to be true to myself, love me and be able to guard my heart against unnecessary harm. I look at my life and I have gone through a lot lord, you know, but I have this belief on some days that you don’t give me what I can’t handle. On some days, however, I doubt myself, help me lord not to forget how strong you have made me with all the trials I have handled.
Thank you for showing up for me in the smallest of things and using unexpected people to prove me wrong. Thank you for My family. I am always grateful for them, especially my mum. That superwoman has always known when to call, what to do and even though I don’t tell her a lot to protect her, she’s always praying to you for me and on those terrible days when my head messes with me and I just want to die, I think about her and I couldn’t bear the thought of her being hurt that way, her suffering is enough. I am super grateful for my brothers, lord guide and protect them and the ones they love.
Lord, you have always supplied me with good friends, great friends even. You bring them when I need them and you bring them with their families… it is always such a wonder how I make a friend and we become close, and I get to be friends with a family member as well. On this particular day, I am grateful for my best friend “Onyinsi”. This human being has shown up for me more times I have for him. He is like always there, and has never… ever made me feel like a bother or that he is even far away, even if he is. Lord, I feel like you use people to raise us up when you fall, so I am grateful for Gbubemi, for NG for D, for Ofure, For Manny, CAV, Sam and all the people that listened, came through, cared, let me express my hurt and gave or give me great advice.
These Downtimes are very painful and so long but I am grateful I can experience them. I hope I can learn from them as well because I feel like I keep making mistakes over and over again. I am grateful for provision as well, for your loving kindness where you use people to bless me. I realize these days I am always around really good people and I am grateful.
Thank you, Lord, for listening to my rants. Just a side note though, can you send sleep my way? I haven’t been able to since you did me a solid that got me anxious.
Your Favorite girl;
Benedictus.
JUST STAY POSITIVE…
